I often ask successful people what was the best piece of advice they ever got from a parent. What words of wisdom carried them forward as they achieved their personal and professional goals? Responses such as "Don't take anything for granted", "You have to work hard and struggle for success" and "It takes money to make money" are among the most common. I posed this same question to Wendy, a woman I met at a luncheon not long ago. Her quick response was "Grow up. Move out." That was her Dad's mantra to her ever since she was a very young child.
Wendy had a good, loving relationship with her father. He is no longer with us yet his sage word of advice echo in Wendy's conscious every day. The wisdom has changed a bit over the years. "Move Out" now means: Out of my comfort zone! Wendy is now a very successful financial planner and the Mother to two beautiful children. "Grow Up. Move out" encouraged Wendy to take full responsibility for her life.
She allowed her inner child to grow up without fear and self-doubt while maintaining a playfully creative approach to life's challenges and opportunities. Wendy never empowered her Inner Critic, the part of her that has the ability to hold her back. She always relied on her True Self, that strong powerful voice within her that is pure intuition and the birthplace of inspiration to guide her. Whenever choices had to be made, especially difficult ones, Wendy remembered her Dad's advice, "Grow Up. Move Out".
And Wendy grew up and moved out fast! She was a respected high school graduate at age 15 and graduated college with honors at 18. She married a few years later and pursued a career in financial planning. Her husband was diagnosed with cancer when she was pregnant with their second child. Her husband did not survive long after the birth. "Grow Up. Move On." the winds of change echoed. So empowered, Wendy navigated the troubled waters of a young widowed mother building a new life for herself and her children. There were many many challenges to overcome. How would the children be cared for? How can she continue to build a career? How do you pick up the piece of a life shattered by such a tragedy? "Grow Up. Move On." Take full responsibility for what you want to experience moving forward.
People sometimes fall-back into old childish patterns of behavior when triggered with a devastating experience. There is a tendency to crawl back to a place where you feel safe, feel protected, and can hide. This desire to grab for any internal comfort that you can find often empowers the Inner Critic, the voice of self-doubt and fear. This is the voice that protected you, helped you cope, in your environment when you were little. You are no longer a child and cannot move on if you are frozen in fear or doubt your abilities or what is possible for you.
Wendy moved on and formed a company with her Father to help others build financial wealth and security. It wasn't long before her father was also diagnosed with cancer. He died within a few months. "Grow up. Move Out". Wendy continued to grow from this experience and moved on the become an advocate to empower widowed women to protect and enrich their financial future. Her words of advice for them is "Grow up. Move Out" Wendy now teaches others who face the similar tragedies and challenges how to put one foot in front of the other, how to "Grow UP. Move Out." Get it going. Get it done.
Wendy tells her story with a broad smile on her face. To many, it is a very tragic tale. To Wendy she has lived a blessed life. She continues to find joy and inspiration in her daily life. Each morning presents another opportunity to continue to grow and move beyond her current comfort zones. "Grow Up. Move Out." is the lifelong gift from her Dad that propels Wendy forward as she turns her dreams into reality.
Another way of saying "Grow Up. Move Out" is simply, Moxie Up!
I invite you to Moxie Up! as Wendy did. Have the confident courage to achieve authentic greatness with unrelenting drive and passion.
Valery is a Moxie Master who will teach you how to have the confident courage to go after what you REALLY want with unrelenting drive and passion. That's Moxie! Claim your truth, own your power & command your stage with her unique fast Moxie Therapy process. Get going. Get it done. Moxie Up! today! Get free tips at http://www.MoxieTherapy.com
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Friday, April 23, 2010
Thursday, December 17, 2009
4 Steps to Manage Toxic People
Do you have people in your life who sprinkle misery wherever they go? When you spend time with them, do these people suck the life energy right out of you? Do you they make you wrong, make you feel angry, deflated, belittled, inadequate or unworthy? If so, you have become their victim. As a victim you can only create more experiences of victimization. As chocolate is poison to a dog, these noxious people have the power to reinforce limitations and low self-esteem within you that will hold you back from the successful pursuit of your creative endeavors - if you let them.
There is a distinction between someone who's just having a 'bad hair day' and a virulent person. The former is experiencing a moment of stress or anxiety the latter demonstrates chronic toxic behavior. People who are just trying to cope, albeit misguidedly, on a particularly stressful day don't feel good about lashing out at someone else. Those whom complain all the time or unload their blame or anger upon you and then feel better about themselves as a result are the ones to keep an eye out for and manage. If you don't they will dump their negativity and pessimism upon you, drain you dry of motivation and inspiration to move forward in your life. The human spirit is like a shark. It has to constantly move forward or it dies.
"Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain and most fools do." - Benjamin Franklin
There is a simple test to recognize whether or not you have a toxic person in your life:
Examine the experiences you have had with this person. It doesn't matter much what you were doing together, just reflect upon whether or not your are energized or depleted at the end of the event. Reflect upon more than one instance to discern whether there is an emotional pattern or a single incident. Were you tired or inspired? If you discover that you are left exhausted or weakened by your exposure to this person then you are in the presence of a toxic person. If you feel nourished by the experiences you've had with that person this is someone with whom you want to spend more time.
If you identify a toxic person in your life here are 4 Steps to manage and transform your relationship with that person.
1. Observe that this person is doing the best he or she can given the light they have to see. A toxic person is in the dark or at least missing a few batteries in their flashlight, their self-perspective and world view. You cannot change or control anyone.
2. Distance yourself from this person. Limit your exposure to and the time you spend in their presence. If it is a co-worker or family member and avoidance is unlikely, let whatever poisonous babble they expel go in one ear and out the other. Do not react or take on their anguish. Hold onto your personal power by refusing to engage, stoop down to their emotional level.
3. When they are complaining, finding fault with you, their circumstance, or the world in general ask them what they DO like about the matter at hand. Get them focused on a more positive note; what they like instead of do not like; what they want instead of do not want.
4. Feed your soul. Do something that replenishes and energizes you after your encounter with a toxic person. Center yourself by taking a few cleansing breaths to ground you as you shake off their destructive residue.
You and you alone are responsible for the quality of your life. You have the inner resources to rise above any and all adverse communication. As master of your life experience, you have the tools to deliberately create the outcomes you want to have with the people with whom you are in contact in your personal and professional life.
"You cannot cause a shadow to disappear by trying to fight it, stamp on it, by railing against it, or any other form of emotional or physical resistance. In order to cause a shadow to disappear, you must shine light on it." - Shakti Gawain
Valery is an Inner Wizard Mindset Mentor & Coach who teaches people how to be the hero of their opportunity instead of the victim of circumstance so they can fully invest themselves in their creative endeavors. Become the hero of your opportunities instead of the victim of your circumstance. Empower the Wizard Within http://www.InnerWizard.com Free tips!
There is a distinction between someone who's just having a 'bad hair day' and a virulent person. The former is experiencing a moment of stress or anxiety the latter demonstrates chronic toxic behavior. People who are just trying to cope, albeit misguidedly, on a particularly stressful day don't feel good about lashing out at someone else. Those whom complain all the time or unload their blame or anger upon you and then feel better about themselves as a result are the ones to keep an eye out for and manage. If you don't they will dump their negativity and pessimism upon you, drain you dry of motivation and inspiration to move forward in your life. The human spirit is like a shark. It has to constantly move forward or it dies.
"Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain and most fools do." - Benjamin Franklin
There is a simple test to recognize whether or not you have a toxic person in your life:
Examine the experiences you have had with this person. It doesn't matter much what you were doing together, just reflect upon whether or not your are energized or depleted at the end of the event. Reflect upon more than one instance to discern whether there is an emotional pattern or a single incident. Were you tired or inspired? If you discover that you are left exhausted or weakened by your exposure to this person then you are in the presence of a toxic person. If you feel nourished by the experiences you've had with that person this is someone with whom you want to spend more time.
If you identify a toxic person in your life here are 4 Steps to manage and transform your relationship with that person.
1. Observe that this person is doing the best he or she can given the light they have to see. A toxic person is in the dark or at least missing a few batteries in their flashlight, their self-perspective and world view. You cannot change or control anyone.
2. Distance yourself from this person. Limit your exposure to and the time you spend in their presence. If it is a co-worker or family member and avoidance is unlikely, let whatever poisonous babble they expel go in one ear and out the other. Do not react or take on their anguish. Hold onto your personal power by refusing to engage, stoop down to their emotional level.
3. When they are complaining, finding fault with you, their circumstance, or the world in general ask them what they DO like about the matter at hand. Get them focused on a more positive note; what they like instead of do not like; what they want instead of do not want.
4. Feed your soul. Do something that replenishes and energizes you after your encounter with a toxic person. Center yourself by taking a few cleansing breaths to ground you as you shake off their destructive residue.
You and you alone are responsible for the quality of your life. You have the inner resources to rise above any and all adverse communication. As master of your life experience, you have the tools to deliberately create the outcomes you want to have with the people with whom you are in contact in your personal and professional life.
"You cannot cause a shadow to disappear by trying to fight it, stamp on it, by railing against it, or any other form of emotional or physical resistance. In order to cause a shadow to disappear, you must shine light on it." - Shakti Gawain
Valery is an Inner Wizard Mindset Mentor & Coach who teaches people how to be the hero of their opportunity instead of the victim of circumstance so they can fully invest themselves in their creative endeavors. Become the hero of your opportunities instead of the victim of your circumstance. Empower the Wizard Within http://www.InnerWizard.com Free tips!
Friday, January 9, 2009
In a Funk? Here's How to Dig Out Easily
I have a client, let's call her Kathy, who was in a post holiday funk. For her, nothing seemed to being going right. She was annoyed at her boss and co-workers. She was nagging her boyfriend over little things. She just didn't feel good. 2009 was not starting out with a bang for her. Uppermost on her mind was the new expense policy at work that resulted in her having to pay her own mileage to and from client visits. She works for a large international company. This extra gas expense became a huge issue for her. She did not like the new policy, she did not like the way the policy was presented, and she did not like that because of the varying state tax laws some people within her group didn't take as big a financial hit as a result of the new policy as she did.
Kathy felt like she was being taken advantage of, being lied to (as it wasn't widely known that some people fared better than others with the new policy) and she felt like she worked for a company that didn't care about it's people. She felt like a victim with the new policy. And as a victim she looked at other areas in her life where she was being 'victimized'. The boyfriend left crumbs on the table for her to clean up, she gained 5 pounds with all the holiday parties when she was trying to lose weight, the banks had a new credit card policy that limited her credit line, and so on. She found evidence where she was being taken advantage of everywhere!
Needless to say, Kathy was not in a good place when we started our call.
Oh, and by the way she gained 5 pounds and lost 8! Oh, and by the way, she was given an award for being the "Employee of the Quarter" for that value she delivered by conceiving and implementing a new marketing strategy that was delivering great results.
Say what!?
She didn't see that she was nearing her weight loss goal with the loss of 3 pounds overall. Winning the award was told to me as a bit of an afterthought - and without any enthusiasm.
What was going on here?
A little background...
Kathy originally came to me because she recognized that she was 'negative all the time'. And she seemed to be stuck. Stuck in her work. Stuck in her relationship. Stuck in her life. She felt like something was wrong and didn't know what it was. Kathy had a pattern of constantly finding fault with herself and everything around her. This way of being was rooted in her belief that she simply wasn't good enough. She never got much praise as a kid and when her father died, her 'wicked step-mother' got the big house. So it was from this place of not being good enough that she approached everything in her life. Her experiences were viewed through the lens of "I'm not good enough."
After some discussion Kathy realized that while her Father never praised her much, he did provide very well for her as a child and as an adult and he was always around when she needed him. Kathy was able to recall lots of times she had good experiences with her father - experiences she hadn't thought about in years. Her Father showed his love and admiration for his daughter through providing well for her and 'being there'. He simply did not know how to verbalize how he felt.
Truth is, Kathy didn't know how to praise herself or verbalize praise for others. She only knew how to complain and criticize. And she was good at it! She was especially good at finding fault with herself. When she beat up on herself she felt so badly that the only way to feel any better was to find fault with others. And she was good at that! That was Kathy's pattern. She would find something that she didn't excel at, beat herself up over her shortcomings and then find more shortcomings in her life experiences including work and relationships. Finding shortcomings in work and others resulted in bad experiences with work and others. It was a vicious cycle.
Through our work together, Kathy began to realize that she actually did a lot of things well. She just never focused on what she did right before, her focus was always on what she did wrong. With this new awareness Kathy began to do more things right at work and her relationship with her boyfriend improved. She was doing so many things well that she had an inspiration to create this marvelous new cost-effective marketing campaign for her company that was successful right from the start. The company was so appreciative of her work and wanted to acknowledge her value to them by giving her the award and publicly recognizing her achievement.
Well, this was too much for Kathy's Inner Critic. He was not used to being valued. Not used to receiving acknowledgement. This would change her poor Inner Critic's foundational belief that "I'm not good enough." Mustn't allow that to happen! Oh, no! Must find things to complain about! Must find evidence of being taken advantage of! Must find things that were done wrong! Must crawl back into the old tired comfort zone of "I'm not good enough"! And the roller coaster ride began reeling its way down and around and down again into old familiar unwanted behavior patterns. Kathy would not even allow herself to feel rewarded, valued and acknowledged for more than a few minutes until she 'Found Excuses And Reasons - F.E.A.R.' to crawl back into her negative ways.
This "roller coaster riding" happens. And it will continue to happen the more you continue to stretch into newer and bigger comfort zones. The Inner Wizard part of you guides you to newer and better experiences that scare the living daylights out of your Inner Critic. So, the Inner Critic reacts and tries to pull you back to where it's safe. Hence, the roller coaster ride. That's ok. The good news is that once you recognize that you're starting to roller coaster you can return the power that you temporarily gave to your Inner Critic back to it's rightful owner, your Inner Wizard. Your Inner Wizard will remind you that you're starting to crawl back into former lesser comfort zones. You will know to stop and take a breath. You will ask yourself what you are having your current circumstance mean. You will recognize that the meaning is an old belief that no longer serves you. Instead of looking for more evidence to support the old belief (I'm not good enough) you will find evidence to support the new belief (I am good enough). And you will pull yourself out of the funk and into feeling good again. And back on track to turning your dreams into reality!
Kathy felt like she was being taken advantage of, being lied to (as it wasn't widely known that some people fared better than others with the new policy) and she felt like she worked for a company that didn't care about it's people. She felt like a victim with the new policy. And as a victim she looked at other areas in her life where she was being 'victimized'. The boyfriend left crumbs on the table for her to clean up, she gained 5 pounds with all the holiday parties when she was trying to lose weight, the banks had a new credit card policy that limited her credit line, and so on. She found evidence where she was being taken advantage of everywhere!
Needless to say, Kathy was not in a good place when we started our call.
Oh, and by the way she gained 5 pounds and lost 8! Oh, and by the way, she was given an award for being the "Employee of the Quarter" for that value she delivered by conceiving and implementing a new marketing strategy that was delivering great results.
Say what!?
She didn't see that she was nearing her weight loss goal with the loss of 3 pounds overall. Winning the award was told to me as a bit of an afterthought - and without any enthusiasm.
What was going on here?
A little background...
Kathy originally came to me because she recognized that she was 'negative all the time'. And she seemed to be stuck. Stuck in her work. Stuck in her relationship. Stuck in her life. She felt like something was wrong and didn't know what it was. Kathy had a pattern of constantly finding fault with herself and everything around her. This way of being was rooted in her belief that she simply wasn't good enough. She never got much praise as a kid and when her father died, her 'wicked step-mother' got the big house. So it was from this place of not being good enough that she approached everything in her life. Her experiences were viewed through the lens of "I'm not good enough."
After some discussion Kathy realized that while her Father never praised her much, he did provide very well for her as a child and as an adult and he was always around when she needed him. Kathy was able to recall lots of times she had good experiences with her father - experiences she hadn't thought about in years. Her Father showed his love and admiration for his daughter through providing well for her and 'being there'. He simply did not know how to verbalize how he felt.
Truth is, Kathy didn't know how to praise herself or verbalize praise for others. She only knew how to complain and criticize. And she was good at it! She was especially good at finding fault with herself. When she beat up on herself she felt so badly that the only way to feel any better was to find fault with others. And she was good at that! That was Kathy's pattern. She would find something that she didn't excel at, beat herself up over her shortcomings and then find more shortcomings in her life experiences including work and relationships. Finding shortcomings in work and others resulted in bad experiences with work and others. It was a vicious cycle.
Through our work together, Kathy began to realize that she actually did a lot of things well. She just never focused on what she did right before, her focus was always on what she did wrong. With this new awareness Kathy began to do more things right at work and her relationship with her boyfriend improved. She was doing so many things well that she had an inspiration to create this marvelous new cost-effective marketing campaign for her company that was successful right from the start. The company was so appreciative of her work and wanted to acknowledge her value to them by giving her the award and publicly recognizing her achievement.
Well, this was too much for Kathy's Inner Critic. He was not used to being valued. Not used to receiving acknowledgement. This would change her poor Inner Critic's foundational belief that "I'm not good enough." Mustn't allow that to happen! Oh, no! Must find things to complain about! Must find evidence of being taken advantage of! Must find things that were done wrong! Must crawl back into the old tired comfort zone of "I'm not good enough"! And the roller coaster ride began reeling its way down and around and down again into old familiar unwanted behavior patterns. Kathy would not even allow herself to feel rewarded, valued and acknowledged for more than a few minutes until she 'Found Excuses And Reasons - F.E.A.R.' to crawl back into her negative ways.
This "roller coaster riding" happens. And it will continue to happen the more you continue to stretch into newer and bigger comfort zones. The Inner Wizard part of you guides you to newer and better experiences that scare the living daylights out of your Inner Critic. So, the Inner Critic reacts and tries to pull you back to where it's safe. Hence, the roller coaster ride. That's ok. The good news is that once you recognize that you're starting to roller coaster you can return the power that you temporarily gave to your Inner Critic back to it's rightful owner, your Inner Wizard. Your Inner Wizard will remind you that you're starting to crawl back into former lesser comfort zones. You will know to stop and take a breath. You will ask yourself what you are having your current circumstance mean. You will recognize that the meaning is an old belief that no longer serves you. Instead of looking for more evidence to support the old belief (I'm not good enough) you will find evidence to support the new belief (I am good enough). And you will pull yourself out of the funk and into feeling good again. And back on track to turning your dreams into reality!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
