Showing posts with label complain. Show all posts
Showing posts with label complain. Show all posts

Thursday, December 17, 2009

4 Steps to Manage Toxic People

Do you have people in your life who sprinkle misery wherever they go? When you spend time with them, do these people suck the life energy right out of you? Do you they make you wrong, make you feel angry, deflated, belittled, inadequate or unworthy? If so, you have become their victim. As a victim you can only create more experiences of victimization. As chocolate is poison to a dog, these noxious people have the power to reinforce limitations and low self-esteem within you that will hold you back from the successful pursuit of your creative endeavors - if you let them.

There is a distinction between someone who's just having a 'bad hair day' and a virulent person. The former is experiencing a moment of stress or anxiety the latter demonstrates chronic toxic behavior. People who are just trying to cope, albeit misguidedly, on a particularly stressful day don't feel good about lashing out at someone else. Those whom complain all the time or unload their blame or anger upon you and then feel better about themselves as a result are the ones to keep an eye out for and manage. If you don't they will dump their negativity and pessimism upon you, drain you dry of motivation and inspiration to move forward in your life. The human spirit is like a shark. It has to constantly move forward or it dies.

"Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain and most fools do." - Benjamin Franklin

There is a simple test to recognize whether or not you have a toxic person in your life:

Examine the experiences you have had with this person. It doesn't matter much what you were doing together, just reflect upon whether or not your are energized or depleted at the end of the event. Reflect upon more than one instance to discern whether there is an emotional pattern or a single incident. Were you tired or inspired? If you discover that you are left exhausted or weakened by your exposure to this person then you are in the presence of a toxic person. If you feel nourished by the experiences you've had with that person this is someone with whom you want to spend more time.

If you identify a toxic person in your life here are 4 Steps to manage and transform your relationship with that person.

1. Observe that this person is doing the best he or she can given the light they have to see. A toxic person is in the dark or at least missing a few batteries in their flashlight, their self-perspective and world view. You cannot change or control anyone.

2. Distance yourself from this person. Limit your exposure to and the time you spend in their presence. If it is a co-worker or family member and avoidance is unlikely, let whatever poisonous babble they expel go in one ear and out the other. Do not react or take on their anguish. Hold onto your personal power by refusing to engage, stoop down to their emotional level.

3. When they are complaining, finding fault with you, their circumstance, or the world in general ask them what they DO like about the matter at hand. Get them focused on a more positive note; what they like instead of do not like; what they want instead of do not want.

4. Feed your soul. Do something that replenishes and energizes you after your encounter with a toxic person. Center yourself by taking a few cleansing breaths to ground you as you shake off their destructive residue.

You and you alone are responsible for the quality of your life. You have the inner resources to rise above any and all adverse communication. As master of your life experience, you have the tools to deliberately create the outcomes you want to have with the people with whom you are in contact in your personal and professional life.

"You cannot cause a shadow to disappear by trying to fight it, stamp on it, by railing against it, or any other form of emotional or physical resistance. In order to cause a shadow to disappear, you must shine light on it." - Shakti Gawain


Valery is an Inner Wizard Mindset Mentor & Coach who teaches people how to be the hero of their opportunity instead of the victim of circumstance so they can fully invest themselves in their creative endeavors. Become the hero of your opportunities instead of the victim of your circumstance. Empower the Wizard Within http://www.InnerWizard.com Free tips!

Friday, February 13, 2009

Complain Pill: Throw it down the drain!

“Man spends his life in reasoning on the past, in complaining of the present, in fearing future.” - Antoine Rivarol

I was sitting at a local Starbucks snuggled up in a comfy chair with a good book and a piping hot latte when I heard a woman exclaim, "Traffic was a bear getting here! Drivers today are morons and you'd think they would put a traffic light where the entrance to this place is!"

eGads! Three complaints within 30 seconds. And the woman hadn't even ordered her coffee yet.

I saw this woman drive up and park her car. Her brake light wasn't working and she had stuff cluttering the top of her car dashboard. Her quick pace as she nearly ran into Starbucks indicated that she was running late to meet her friend. As she ordered her mocha whipped whatever she gave specific instructions to the person behind the counter to make sure they didn't 'screw up' her order (her words). As she finally settled in to meet with her friend she rolled her eyes as if to say the entire world was filled with buffoons and she the only sane person on the planet.

OoooohhhhH! I giggled, "This is going to be an interesting conversation to listen to".

Yes, I must admit. I eavesdrop. Often. I find it fascinating to listen to how people think. I don't care so much about the topic; I listen for generalizations, belief systems, and thought patterns. I then listen as the other person in the conversation often adds their own meanings, based on their own belief system, to what was said and the conversation builds from there. Very quickly, if not at the onset, the conversation has nothing to do with what is, it is centered in the distortions of what is perceived.

And a lot of complaining is involved.

Why is that? Why do people complain and complain and complain? What do they get out of it?

Studies have shown that women were more likely than men to use complaints as an indirect request for action, while men were more likely to use complaints to excuse behavior or to make themselves seem superior. ("Women and Language" Sept. 22 2006)

Do I hear complaints voiced about the above statement?

Complaining can be damaging to your health, your level of productivity and your life in general. Complaining is not an observance of what is going on, it is far more than mere observation, it is a creative act. Complaining is the act of reinforcing what you don’t want and, thereby, creating even more of it. It’s the act of dwelling on, staying stuck in, the negative.

When you complain, your Inner Critic, that voice of self-doubt and fear, is hard at work. This Inner Critic is working so hard to keep you safe an comfortable in your comfort zone that complaining may have become a daily habit. You may not even realize how much you complain! Habits become so routine that people often don't even notice their own habitual patterns.

The more you complain, the better you feel about yourself. It is the Inner Critic's way of showing you how messed up the rest of the world is and, by comparison, you're not that messed up. Or whatever is lacking in your experience is not your fault; it's the fault of those morons, idiots, and incompetents!

"Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain; and most fools do." - Benjamin Franklin

So many people complain that it is often a good common ground from which to start a conversation. And this is what I observed that morning at Starbucks. And again with a client on the phone that afternoon. And again at dinner with friends. And again while watching television. The news and sitcoms were ripe with people complaining about this, that or the other thing.

Complaining has become the latest feel good pill. People gripe and moan about things that are seemingly out of their control so they can excuse what's not working in their lives. The trouble is, the more you complain the more experiences you have of 'not working for me'. When you complain you may feel superior but you don't feel good. When you complain you might get someone to do something but the satisfaction last for only a fleeting moment so you find another thing to complain about because you are, fundamentally, unsatisfied with your life. It's a dangerous vicious cycle.

Complaining traps you in a world of negativity. The negativity, like it or not, is your comfort zone. It's what you know. You don't even know what it's like to go through life, let alone a day, without complaining. When you complain you keep yourself stuck right where you are in the complaint zone constantly on the lookout for more things to be or go wrong. It's what you expect so that's what you get. People always get what they expect at their deepest level. When you complain you are focused upon that which you do not want. And you get what you give your energy, attention and focus to.

Complaining, therefore, robs you of the opportunity to live an exceptional life. Complaining spreads negative energy and negative energy cannot create a positive outcome. It is as simple as that.

How do you reverse the complaining cycle?

Deliberately and mindfully notice your words, the daily conversations you have and the conversations you're exposed to. For the next 24 hours, notice when you voice a complaint and write it down. You'll be surprised how many times you complain in one day! Look at your complaints. Without judgment as yourself what was the underlying benefit you hoped to achieve with the complaint? Were you making an excuse so you wouldn't be blamed for something or wouldn't have to do something? Were you aggravated and wanted to make yourself feel better by letting off some steam?

Ask yourself what was it that you really wanted when you complained? It usually boils down to wanting to feel better about yourself, your experience and your circumstance. Complaining won't get you there. Deliberately finding something good about yourself, your experience and your circumstance will get you to that place of feeling better.

For example, if you're stuck in traffic remind yourself that you have a car to get you from place to place. If the driver in the lane next to you cut you off or is talking on his cell phone remind yourself that you have the good sense and ability to avoid this person. If someone messed up your coffee order remind yourself that this person didn't get up in the morning with plans to put too much mocha in your frappy. The mistake wasn't deliberate. People do the best they can. And while you're at it, lighten up on yourself as well. You didn't get out of bed this morning with the intention of having a miserable day. You're doing the best you can too.

"You can complain because roses have thorns, or you can rejoice because thorns have roses." - Ziggy

Valery is the Founder of the International Association for Inner Wizards. The greatest gift Membership can give you is to reaffirm the integrity of your own being. Within you lies all the knowledge about who you are, including your challenges and desires. The ultimate mission of the International Association for Inner Wizards is to reconnect you with the incredible power that is already within you and to encourage you to recognize it, use it and rely upon this resource that is your birthright. We simply deliver back to you that which is already your own. I guarantee no wrong turns will be made on your life's journey when you are empowered and guided by your Inner Wizard. Get free mini-book "Discover Your Inner Wizard" today at http://www.InnerWizard.com.

Complain Pill: Throw it down the drain!

“Man spends his life in reasoning on the past, in complaining of the present, in fearing future.” - Antoine Rivarol

I was sitting at a local Starbucks snuggled up in a comfy chair with a good book and a piping hot latte when I heard a woman exclaim, "Traffic was a bear getting here! Drivers today are morons and you'd think they would put a traffic light where the entrance to this place is!"

eGads! Three complaints within 30 seconds. And the woman hadn't even ordered her coffee yet.

I saw this woman drive up and park her car. Her brake light wasn't working and she had stuff cluttering the top of her car dashboard. Her quick pace as she nearly ran into Starbucks indicated that she was running late to meet her friend. As she ordered her mocha whipped whatever she gave specific instructions to the person behind the counter to make sure they didn't 'screw up' her order (her words). As she finally settled in to meet with her friend she rolled her eyes as if to say the entire world was filled with buffoons and she the only sane person on the planet.

OoooohhhhH! I giggled, "This is going to be an interesting conversation to listen to".

Yes, I must admit. I eavesdrop. Often. I find it fascinating to listen to how people think. I don't care so much about the topic; I listen for generalizations, belief systems, and thought patterns. I then listen as the other person in the conversation often adds their own meanings, based on their own belief system, to what was said and the conversation builds from there. Very quickly, if not at the onset, the conversation has nothing to do with what is, it is centered in the distortions of what is perceived.

And a lot of complaining is involved.

Why is that? Why do people complain and complain and complain? What do they get out of it?

Studies have shown that women were more likely than men to use complaints as an indirect request for action, while men were more likely to use complaints to excuse behavior or to make themselves seem superior. ("Women and Language" Sept. 22 2006)

Do I hear complaints voiced about the above statement?

Complaining can be damaging to your health, your level of productivity and your life in general. Complaining is not an observance of what is going on, it is far more than mere observation, it is a creative act. Complaining is the act of reinforcing what you don’t want and, thereby, creating even more of it. It’s the act of dwelling on, staying stuck in, the negative.

When you complain, your Inner Critic, that voice of self-doubt and fear, is hard at work. This Inner Critic is working so hard to keep you safe an comfortable in your comfort zone that complaining may have become a daily habit. You may not even realize how much you complain! Habits become so routine that people often don't even notice their own habitual patterns.

The more you complain, the better you feel about yourself. It is the Inner Critic's way of showing you how messed up the rest of the world is and, by comparison, you're not that messed up. Or whatever is lacking in your experience is not your fault; it's the fault of those morons, idiots, and incompetents!

"Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain; and most fools do." - Benjamin Franklin

So many people complain that it is often a good common ground from which to start a conversation. And this is what I observed that morning at Starbucks. And again with a client on the phone that afternoon. And again at dinner with friends. And again while watching television. The news and sitcoms were ripe with people complaining about this, that or the other thing.

Complaining has become the latest feel good pill. People gripe and moan about things that are seemingly out of their control so they can excuse what's not working in their lives. The trouble is, the more you complain the more experiences you have of 'not working for me'. When you complain you may feel superior but you don't feel good. When you complain you might get someone to do something but the satisfaction last for only a fleeting moment so you find another thing to complain about because you are, fundamentally, unsatisfied with your life. It's a dangerous vicious cycle.

Complaining traps you in a world of negativity. The negativity, like it or not, is your comfort zone. It's what you know. You don't even know what it's like to go through life, let alone a day, without complaining. When you complain you keep yourself stuck right where you are in the complaint zone constantly on the lookout for more things to be or go wrong. It's what you expect so that's what you get. People always get what they expect at their deepest level. When you complain you are focused upon that which you do not want. And you get what you give your energy, attention and focus to.

Complaining, therefore, robs you of the opportunity to live an exceptional life. Complaining spreads negative energy and negative energy cannot create a positive outcome. It is as simple as that.

How do you reverse the complaining cycle?

Deliberately and mindfully notice your words, the daily conversations you have and the conversations you're exposed to. For the next 24 hours, notice when you voice a complaint and write it down. You'll be surprised how many times you complain in one day! Look at your complaints. Without judgment as yourself what was the underlying benefit you hoped to achieve with the complaint? Were you making an excuse so you wouldn't be blamed for something or wouldn't have to do something? Were you aggravated and wanted to make yourself feel better by letting off some steam?

Ask yourself what was it that you really wanted when you complained? It usually boils down to wanting to feel better about yourself, your experience and your circumstance. Complaining won't get you there. Deliberately finding something good about yourself, your experience and your circumstance will get you to that place of feeling better.

For example, if you're stuck in traffic remind yourself that you have a car to get you from place to place. If the driver in the lane next to you cut you off or is talking on his cell phone remind yourself that you have the good sense and ability to avoid this person. If someone messed up your coffee order remind yourself that this person didn't get up in the morning with plans to put too much mocha in your frappy. The mistake wasn't deliberate. People do the best they can. And while you're at it, lighten up on yourself as well. You didn't get out of bed this morning with the intention of having a miserable day. You're doing the best you can too.

"You can complain because roses have thorns, or you can rejoice because thorns have roses." - Ziggy

Valery is the Founder of the International Association for Inner Wizards. The greatest gift Membership can give you is to reaffirm the integrity of your own being. Within you lies all the knowledge about who you are, including your challenges and desires. The ultimate mission of the International Association for Inner Wizards is to reconnect you with the incredible power that is already within you and to encourage you to recognize it, use it and rely upon this resource that is your birthright. We simply deliver back to you that which is already your own. I guarantee no wrong turns will be made on your life's journey when you are empowered and guided by your Inner Wizard. Get free mini-book "Discover Your Inner Wizard" today at http://www.InnerWizard.com.